If you are on it, be on it, if you not, then don't

Well its been a while, I know. Sorry. The last couple of weeks have been up and down for me. I haven't gained any weight at all, in fact, I am down two more pounds, but my mind hasn't been in the game and that is starting to bother me. I just stopped being focused on the prize!

Yesterday one of my friends at work who follows the blog with his girlfriend asked me if I posted anything, when I said I didn't, he kind of shook his head and said "If you are on it, be on it, if you not, then don't"...and he was spot on. They are rooting for me, and don't want to see me give up. Being that we work together he can 'see' how I am living, and I have to thank him for reminding me that people are watching, sometimes I forget that. (Thanks Chris!)

You see I am going on vacation this coming Friday, my family is heading to Walt Disney World, and I think in my head I've been in "vacation mode" if you know what I mean by that, and if you have ever been on a diet then you know what vacation mode it. Its this fun little world where you don't exercise and calories don't count. Of course that is not a healthy way of looking at vacation, but it is how I always lived my life. That needs to change.

Things go down hill fast, it starts with eating a little to much of your healthy snacks, and that just leads to the addition of some junk food, and then the flood gates open. You start thinking..."Why am I breaking my chops when I know that I am not going to weigh in on Saturday and I am going to eat my fair share of Disney World crap food while I am there. Its like "Why kill myself now and when I know that I am going to be killing myself in Disney!" Stupid.

This kind of negative thinking leads to negative living and of course, all of these negatives could never have a positive result. I have to stop being a loser and keep my mind in the game. Oddly enough, last week was one of my best weeks when it came to exercise, but I slacked off on that over the weekend and I need to kick that back up as well. Tonight I train!

So, I have to either be "on it" or "off of it" and I choose to be "on it". I guess some times we just need a little kick in the butt, and I owe it to Chris for giving it to me. This job is usually reserved for my wife or my friends Walt and Dave, but I guess we added a new person to that group.

I will still enjoy my Disney vacation, but I will be great until then. Even when I am in Disney, I will keep that scale in mind and not go to crazy. I am still very much on this, but like everything else in life, I guess my mind wandered off of my goal a little. I needed to re-set and I did. We always hear the word "plateau" when people stop losing weight. They are of course referring to the number of the scale...but I am learning that it is really a mental plateau that you hit. Your mind just gets used to living a certain way and you lose that sharp mental focus.

I have it back. Its all good now.

Thanks!

-BIG Sean

A huge milestone reached!

Hi All,

I've lost another five pounds and I am happy to say that I have FINALLY broken the 100 pound mark! I am down 103 pounds as of this morning! I can not for the life of me come up with the words to express how I am feeling right now, other than to say that I feel...happy.

I know that I haven't been great with the updates, and I am sorry about that. Losing weight is the hardest thing I've ever done. It just is. Now, picture you are doing the hardest thing you've ever done, and when it is not going as you planned...picture having to write about it for the world to read, its just not that easy.

I created this blog for a few reasons, mostly to give me that added pressure to keep me on program when I want to give up. Well, that pressure is a good thing, but it really adds to my stress level as well. When I get on the scale and it is not good, the first thing I think about is this blog. All sorts of thoughts go through my head, I am embarrassed, angry and often at a loss for words.

Here is what is going on, and why it took me so long to break that barrier. If you've been reading this blog then you know that I have major back issues. Well, when my back is bad, I can hardly exercise and when I can't exercise, I get a lot of swelling in my lower legs. I still eat a very healthy, clean diet, but lack of aerobic exercise leads to swelling for me. Unfortunately, this swelling masks any weight loss and in fact can make it appear that I've gained weight when it simply just isn't true. Well, my back is getting a little better, and I've done a little more exercise, did some light walking yesterday and with some good results.

When I woke up this morning, I realized within the first two steps out of bed that my legs were not as swollen as they've been! I went right into the bathroom, got on the scale and called for my wife Lori to come and see the number! If it wasn't 6am on a Sunday morning I would have let out roar of happiness! LOL

I am far from reaching my goal, and when you see me, some of you would not even notice that much of a change (yes, I am still THAT big) but I know what I've done, and right now that is what is most important. I am on a huge emotional high right now. This morning's weigh in is the shot in the arm that I needed. I feel good.

Like Lori tells me all of the time..."Just don't give up!" If you don't give up, then you will reach your goal!

Ahh...in with the good air, out with the bad...

I've lost 7 pounds over the last two weeks. Sorry I missed a week with the blog, but life was a little crazy for me and things happen from time to time.

So, 7 pounds over two weeks is just "ok", and I realize that. I think I've just hit a plateau of sorts where I am still losing weight, but at a slower rate for now. It is completely my fault, and I will explain. I am so close to hitting a nice big round number, and I feel like my body knows that I want to celebrate so damn much that it is screwing with me as a cruel joke. Nice!

I know what the problem is, and it all comes down to food. I have to be sharper with whatever I put in my mouth. I've been careless, and I know it. We get these awesome pretzels at work, and I used to eat only one, now I eat two. I used to track the GI index of everything I ate, and now I don't. I used to actively look to eat less, and now I've been eating until I am full. I needed to take stock of myself, and my will power and re-access where I am with this thing.

This weekend I had two challenging days. Oddly enough I was not looking forward to this weekend at all. Why? Because I was going to see family and friends and I know that some of them have been tracking my weight loss closely. What was on my mind was that I know I've been very successful so far...but because I have so much damn weight to lose, you can almost hardly tell. I guess I was stupidly concerned that people were going to be a little disappointed when after reading these blogs, and reading how much weight I've lost...I still look huge! Yeah, I know it is stupid. These are good people that care about me, but it was on my mind.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate buffet dinners? I mean really hate them. Not the food mind you, what I hate is that I have to get up and go get it. I know this sounds crazy to most of you, but when you are this big, people watch what you eat, they just do. I know that when I go to the buffet table, I can feel people watching (even if it only in my head) and I hate to take anything more than a freaking salad. I will not even go up the serving table to get myself a piece of bread because I don't want people to see me going up there. I get extremely self conscious. It's just not fun...ya know?

This last week I've started using one of my wife Lori's aerobic shows. I can't do the whole thing yet, but I know it is exactly what I need. It is hard, exhausting in fact, but it 'feels' like I am training instead of just going for a walk. Walking is fine, but it doesn't put me in the right mindset.

So much of this weight loss thing takes place in the mind and 15 minutes of walking and 15 minutes of aerobics are just not the same. One makes me feel like crap, the other makes me feel like an athlete in training. They both 'wind' me so calorie wise they may be the same, but it is the effect that the aerobics has between my ears that is so important. I've committed myself to doing the "Kick, Punch & Crunch" program four times a week...increasing the length of time I do it each time as I can. I am sure this will being positive results. I just know it.

I've started a new week, I am on track and strong. I am pushing myself rather than being pushed and it feels good. I am stronger now than I've been for the last month or so and I sure of the path I will be taking. I've recommitted to my goals and to myself. I need this success. I want it and I will make it.

Also, just as a small side note. I want to thank everyone that cares enough to push me in this quest. Your notes to me have been huge and you have no idea how much they help.

Thank you!

-BIG Sean

Not happy, but not giving up.

I suck.

I weighed in this morning and it was bad. I didn't lose a damn pound and I am not taking it very well. To be honest, I am not even sure what I am going to write about today. I am just in a bad place right now. I will not give up or anything stupid like that, but I have to tell you, I am not real happy right now.

My lower back pain is what is holding me back. I can barely walk some days, my back kills me and when it is bad (as it has been the last couple of weeks) I just can not exercise. Sure, I still eat right, but exercise sets the tone with me. When I exercise I am "into" it more. I am more emotionally invested in the process, I 'feel' like getting fit in the most important thing in my life. Right now, when my lower back is like this, just walking around without pain seems to be the most important thing in my life. Getting fit falls in its importance. Not to good my friends.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point in my life I guess I gave up on taking care of myself. I mean come on, what was wrong with me? Didn't it dawn on me..."Hey, asshole, stop eating french fries and pizza or your going to explode!" I know that it is not to late for me, that I am still young enough to make this huge change in my life. Enough of this "boo hoo" feeling sorry for myself bullshit.

I consider myself in the same boat as the alcoholic or drug addict. Its just that I am addicted to food, that is my "drug". Well wake the hell up big guy because the drug is winning this war right now. Sure, lately I've won a few of the battles, but make no mistake about it, I am still way behind in this war on being fat.

Today is behind me, this "weigh in' is behind me, my old attitude is behind me, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow morning is my time to re-energize, and re-focus my energies. I need to get that tunnel vision that helps keep your eyes on the prize! I need an attitude adjustment, some times I want to just bang my head up against the wall with frustration with myself. Why did I wait for it to get this bad? Regardless of why I did, the fact remains is that I did give up. Man, I gave up and just ate like their was no consequences for my actions. Well, I no longer give up! I can no longer give in to this crap.

Each and every minute of every day I am given a choice. Take a step forward, or take a step backwards, and in losing 91 pounds clearly I am making some right decisions, but mornings like this one...when I look down at the scale and it doesn't move I get so damn angry. Honestly, I really don't know what to say about it.

I have so many dreams of things I want to do when I get in shape. I have to keep those dreams in the forefront of my mind and continue to make the right choices. This weight will come off, and one day I will be sporting a "speedo" to the beach. LOL Ok, not really, but maybe I will actually be able to go in the pool in front of other people.

A simple mind game that works for me

Needless to say, with me celebrating my birthday last Sunday, and again on Tuesday (the actual day) I was a little apprehensive about getting on the scale this morning. These fears were eased when I saw that I lost another 6 pounds this week! Granted, this is not a "Biggest Loser" kind of week, but I am still very happy with it. This 6 pounds brings the grand total to 91 pounds...only hundreds more to go!

I am a really lucky guy, I have a great support system in this quest to lose weight lead up by my wife who pushes me each and every day to be the best I can be. With us planning our trip to Disney in May, we've decided to add walking as part of our daily exercise routine. Walking is tough for me, between being hundreds of pounds overweight, I have a bad back, so I have to take this step by step...literallly.

Combine that with weight lifting and now a daily stretching routine as well, I feel that the exercise program that I am on will change, but still be effective. Combine all of that with my diet, and the little mind games that I play with myself, and hopefully I will be down another 40 pounds by the time we go. Disney is going to be a lot of walking, so my goal right now is that I can walk for at least a mile without stopping due to either back pain or being out of breath.

I really don't know what drove me to gain all of this weight, but I have several reasons to lose it. Most of my reasons are oblivious, of course my health being the most important, but I know that if I don't give up and I reach my goals, I will have finally be able to live the life that I want to live with my family.

I am a work in progress, and I realize that although it feels like I put on all this weight overnight, it really took years and it is going to take years to take it off. I just have to learn how to ride out the waves of success and failure in the healthiest way I can. I am in this for the long haul. For me to succeed in this quest to lose weight and get fit I know that I have to stick through the hard times, push myself when I need to be pushed and forgive myself when I screw up.

Face it, I am going to screw up once in a while, and it is being able to put those behind me and move on that will keep me on track. That is all part of the mind game. I've written a little about mind games over the last few months, and I feel they are very important. Here is one of the simplest, yet most effective ones that work for me. Picture yourself at goal weight, really picture it....what are you wearing?, how do you feel?, how do people react when they see you? what do you do then that you can not, or do not do now? Good, now once you have that in your head...burn it in there. Have the ability to pull that up at any time, now, once you have to make any decision or choice in this diet/fitness quest just ask yourself...what will bring me closer to "this" goal? The answer will be easy!

Just another step in the path.

This week's blog is a few days late, and I am sorry about that.

My weigh in didn't go well this week, for the second time in a month, I didn't lose anything for the week. I was really upset about it, but I wasn't shocked either. This week I've suffered though the worst lower back pain I've had in a long time, and it effected everything I do. I am still proud of the job I've done, and the job that I will continue to do, 85 pounds in 9 weeks is still excellent, but I hate these small personal failures.

These zero weight loss weeks are tougher on the mind than anything else. In the grand scheme of things, when I hit my personal goal, and I look back at my journey and see a half dozen weeks or so where I didn't lose an nothing more than small bumps in the road, but 'as' they happen, when I get on the scale...these small bumps can be crushing.

When I made this commitment to lose weight and get in shape I did so with open eyes, I knew that it would never going to be easy, and that each and every week it was going be hard. What I didn't realize (and I don't know WHY I didn't realize this) is that it is not really each week that is hard...it is every moment of every day. No, it is not just the 'weigh ins'...no, it is not just at night when I feel like snacking, no, it is not just at meal times when I have to make intelligent choices, it is every second of the day. It consumes me, it becomes the focus of everything I do, and it has to be.

I've found that when I am not talking about the diet, then I am failing it. I need to keep it forefront in my mind, it has to be in my thoughts, words and actions all the time. Lucky for me I have a wife that understands this and she talks to me about it all the time. The tough thing for her is when I start to complain about it. Yeah, sometimes I get cranky, and Lori will sit down and ask "OK, what is the exercise schedule for this week" and I give her crap about being tired of talking about it. Yeah, I don't know how she puts up with it either.

I hate that my back pain is now slowing me down. I feel like I already had so much going against me in this weight lose challenge and to now add in lower back pain, it simply sucks. Sorry, there just isn't any other way of putting it.

However, there had been some good this week. Its cool the way things work out, but it seems that the exact week that I am having my hardest time staying focused, I also got the most about of comments from friends and family about the changes they see in me.

This is the week that I need/needed the most encouragement and it was and is provided for me from many people. Be it some family members that I haven't seen in a few months or a co-worker who sends me a quick email mentioning my weight loss, these are great motivation for me.

Also, I can not express into words how great it is when I receive all of the positive emails and messages that I get from the people that read this blog. I have people that I have never met in my life that write me each and every week with encouraging, uplifting messages. Thank you! So many of you were the help that I needed.

I can promise you that this upcoming week will be better than this last week. Yes my back still hurts me, but I will find a way around that and keep on moving forward. Other than my back I feel good, and good things will happen.

If you want to lose weight, you have to learn to eat.

I lost 5 more pounds this week bringing my total weight loss (so far) to 85 pounds, although I wanted (expected?) more, I will take it. This simple little 5 pounds brought me that much closer to one of my small, interim goals. I am coming up on a one of those big round numbers and this 5 pounds brings me that much closer to crossing it.

I know that I say it all the time, but you have to focus on the small numbers, don't get blinded by the big one or you may never reach it. The task will seem so far out of reach that it becomes depressing, well, at least for me. If I keep reminding myself that I have hundreds left to lose, then I will get angry and depressed and trust me, anger and depression is something I have more than enough of when it comes to my level of fitness. Thank God other aspects in my life (family, job) are good or I don't know if I could even handle this weight loss adventure. For the next few weeks I will be focusing on the next 15 pounds, and the next 15 pounds only.

Weight loss of this amount is very hard to say the least, but being this fat is harder. I hate being this big and the only thing that I hate more than being fat, is the limitations that being fat puts on me. Want to talk about humiliating, lets try this on for size (so to speak)...at my gym they have several cardio based machines, for the most part I focus on the treadmill, but they have two others that I've been wanting to try. One is the elliptical machine, and the other one is similar to the elliptical, but harder. I've been told this other machine is almost like walking in sand.

So I wanted to give this other machine a shot, I get to the gym, get to the machine...and guess what, I don't even fit in the freaking thing! So, being the moron that I can be sometimes I squeeze into it anyway and try and there is no way it is going to work. So, now I have people on both sides of me watching what is going on and I am dying on the inside, but if you know me, then you know I just said "f--k it"...made a joke about needing to find a machine in an 'adult size' and moved on. But make no mistake about it, I was/am embarrassed by what happened. This of course does nothing positive to your self esteem and self worth. Can you imagine? Being so fat that you can not fit into a workout machine? Welcome to my life.

I read a great article yesterday, and I strongly suggest that you check it out. It's called "Body Fat: Hard Facts About Soft Tissue" (http://www.mikementzer.com/bodyfat.html) and it was written by M. Doug McGuff, MD. In it he talks about what is needed to lose body fat and the importance of a proper diet over exercise. The article really makes a lot of sense and if you are trying to lose body fat, then I am sure you will get a lot out of it.

Right now I am still being plagued with lower back problems, it hurts when I walk so of course any kind of aerobic activity is hard to do. I am keeping a strict clean diet and working out when I can. I am still seeing good numbers on the scale so I am encouraged that my food plan is working. I am sure that as I lose more weight my back will get healthier and I will be able to be more active. Don't get me wrong, I am still working out, in fact I am writing this blog this morning right after coming home from the gym.

You see, one of my concerns in putting together my diet/exercise plan was this. I've seen people lose a lot of weight, and they did this by completely changing their lives around and basically become athletes. They train, then train again, and when they are done, they train some more. Sure, they can eat everything they want because they are spending 3 or 4 hours at a time working out. However, what happens when that drive to exercise with such zeal subsides, when they've lost a lot of weight, and life gets in the way of the gym? The weight starts to come back on, and that happens because they never really learned how to eat. Sure, they cleaned up their diet a bit, but it was the exercise that brought them all of that success.

I am learning how to eat properly. I want to learn how my body reacts to food, and how I can control my food intake to control my weight, exercise is the bonus, but food has to come first. You need to have a healthy diet, and build from there. So far this is working out well for me!